Do you feel TRAPPED in the WEB of LIFE?

Then you have grasped the First Truth of the Worlds: to our limited minds, the omnipotent Ruler of the Universe is like unto an ENORMOUS SPIDER.

Consider the fabric of the world. All things are connected in an intricate webwork of relationships. Plants drink in the light of the Sun; herbivores eat the plants, and carnivores eat the herbivores. Both carnivores and herbivores eventually die, and their corpses fertilize the plants. The religious passions of Islam can affect the vacation plans of an American stockbroker half a world away. Tiny beetles fell mighty elm trees. All things are connected to all other things in an enormous WEB of stunning complexity. Only a SPIDER designs in such a fashion.

But! (believers in other gods are likely to say) I know my gods. When I pray, I feel their divine grace. To read the holy books fills me with quiet joy. The world is overflowing with evidences of their existence! How can you expect me to swallow a story about some ENORMOUS SPIDER at the center of the worlds?

Beware, beware! For unless you believe and take proper action, that ENORMOUS SPIDER will swallow you!

Other gods exist. Jehovah, Allah, Krishna, Ormazd, yea even the depraved Ahriman, Satan, and Moloch -- all these gods exist. They exist as sparkling drops of dew in the intricate WEB of the MAGNIFICENT ARACHNID Himself. The worshipper of these gods is guilty only of self-delusion -- of thinking that a minuscule part of the WEB is all that is needful in holiness.

The TRUE STORY of Creation

Before the Beginning, when the Universe was a mere Cosmic Egg, the GREAT SPIDER created Himself out of the primordial nothingness. For millennia He crouched at the center of the Worlds spun off in His WEB, polishing and perfecting His Attributes. The Glory of His Magnificence shone so brightly that it blinded even the OMNISCIENT SPIDER to the existence of minuscule pockets of substandard Nothingness left in the distant corners of His Starry Realm.

When the MAGNIFICENT ARACHNID had reached His final state of perfection, He looked about Himself with His many eyes. Everywhere the blazing nebulae sang His praises -- but for those few patches of nothingness. Since the SPIDER Himself was complete and perfect, He had no further use for the raw nothingness from which He had created Himself; but its existence offended His sense of spiderly symmetry. He did the best He could by those forlorn patches of nothingness: molded them into tiny gods and goddesses of various designs and degrees of perfection, and sent them forth to work out their own destinies.

Five billion years ago (a mere moment in Eternity) a handful of these godlets reached a small planet, coalescing from the Solar nebula. Driven from the center of the Universe by the dazzling Light of the MAGNIFICENT ARACHNID, but haunted by the memory of its beauty, they began to work: to create here on the newborn Earth a web of their own, echoing the brilliance of the TRUE WEB but on a scale their limited powers could comprehend.

The GREAT SPIDER Himself created the Universe and all the nebulae, stars and planets in it, out of the primordial nothingness. The Children of the Spider, those minor godlets, worked with the material substance of their worlds to make their own small Webs. Over the eons they labored, gradually modifying their design, always keeping the delicate interrelated balance of life that was, and is, the very heart of the small Web of Earth.

Admittedly there are strains and tensions and imperfections in this lesser Web, imperfections not to be found in the TRUE WEB of the Universe. The GREAT SPIDER is unique and omniscient, of one mind and perfect Will, and his WEB reflects this singleness and perfection of Mind and Purpose. The smaller Web of Earth was spun by many godlets, not all in complete agreement upon the details. Indeed, Satan, Ahriman, and others have attempted -- out of jealousy at the Glory of the MAGNIFICENT ARACHNID and His TRUE WEB -- to destroy the fabric of the lesser Web. Thus evil enters into the world, when the denizens of Earth encounter the broken strands caused by these maleficent beings.


The GREAT SPIDER's only known weakness is His fondness for eating human souls. He feels that He has no business eating our souls, since He did not create us; but we taste so good He is unable to help Himself. (Theologians speculate that Satan and Moloch may have been involved. It is well-known that both specialize in grilled filet of soul.)

The GREAT SPIDER has therefore created a compromise. He has designated certain humans to be His Priests here on Earth. These Priests -- being themselves human, and thus more knowledgeable about humans -- are to separate us into Good and Evil. The GREAT SPIDER will then eat only the Evil souls (who deserve it in any case) and will treat the Good souls in a manner designated by the Priest involved.

Good souls have many possibilities before them. Those who aspire to a truly Spiderlike existence may join the MAGNIFICENT ARACHNID at His Feast, eating souls along with Him and helping tend the TRUE WEB.

Other virtuous souls may have a fondness for one of the lesser gods. These people may arrange with a Priest of the GREAT SPIDER to have their souls delivered to their favorite god after death, and will be able to take part in the Afterlife of their religion in the customary manner.

Some souls, finding life in the Web of Earth enjoyable, may elect to be reincarnated. This is best done through the offices of one of the reincarnatory gods of Earth, as the SPIDER has no direct jurisdiction over such matters. If one wishes to be reincarnated as a star or planet, however, the GREAT SPIDER is the deity to see about the matter.

During this life on Earth, Spiderism can help you only in small ways. The knowledge that all the ways of life come together in the lesser Web of Earth can help you walk the paths of your days -- to avoid the sticky strands and cleave unto the stepping-strands.

Ah, but in the afterlife! Here a knowledge of the GREAT SPIDER is essential! For if you are unprepared -- if you have not made arrangements with a Spiderist Priest -- if you have not convinced this Priest of your virtue in whatever ways she determines -- why, if you have not had the Mark of Virtue set upon your soul, you will end up as just one more tidbit in the Great Feast of the SPIDER. And if you enter into Afterlife without a Destiny Label, although saved from the Appetite of the MAGNIFICENT ARACHNID you may spend the rest of Eternity upon a dusty shelf in the Celestial Dead Letter Office.

Hurry, my friends! Life is short, and Eternity awaits you! Grasp your Afterlife firmly! Decide upon your destiny. Polish your soul! Find the nearest Priest of the GREAT SPIDER, convince him of your virtue, and have the Sacred Marks set upon your soul -- nay, BECOME a Sacred Mark! For only in this way can you enter into your Heaven and avoid the maw of the Benevolent (but hungry) SPIDER at the Center of the WEB OF THE WORLDS!

Send your bribes in care of the New First Arachnid Church.