BIG SPIDERHOOD FOUNDATION
Mr John F Kusske
Apostle in Chief
Dear Maharaja Kusske:
A theological question has arisen that requires your immediate attention; if not resolved it might lead to a permanent split of Big Spiderhood. A growing Faction of B.S. Money-collectors, myself included, have come to the realization that the principle doctrine of our faith, the Glorious Two—Fold Path to Big Spider, is so excessively complex that enormous difficulties inevitably arise in explaining it to the pagans, heathens, and other uninitiated.
It is necessary and desirable, we feel, to simplify the doctrine. It seems superfluous to require the follower to "say" that he believes in Big Spider before making his cash contribution. We are coming to believe that it is sufficient that he think that anyone believes. It may even be enough for him to feel that he might someday think that someone, somewhere, believes in Big Spider.
This would eliminate the cumbersome, burdening first step of his conversion to B.S.ism, thus reducing the doctrine to a simpler "one-fold path".
We could then focus our efforts upon that one true fundamental purpose: money collecting. These efforts would continue along the established formula of "the greater the gift, the smaller a percentage of Eternity the giver must spend in the tortuous Web of the Damned ("where men hang suspended from black threads in darkness, the vital juices of their spirits drained from their bodies" — Book of Eucalyptus, Chapter l4, Verse 4).
Please inform me, as the representative of the faction beginning to call themselves the Brotherhood of the Divine Arachnid, of your decision on this matter. We all hope that some conciliation may yet be reached whereby the present unity of Big Spiderhood will be preserved.
With Infinite Respect
Hi Lama Rahm Jones
Acting Asst Apostle
HEADQUARTERS OF THE MOVEMENT
Office of the High Priest/Chief Prophet
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55407
H L R Jones, AAA
Acting Assistant Apostle
Big Spiderhood Foundation
Dear Hi Lama Rahm Jones;
1. Reference your letter concerning the proposed "one-fold path."
2. Headquarters has considered initiating such a program but has failed to do so for the following reasons.
a. Requiring the new convert to verbalize his belief in the Great Spider insures that he make a personal commitment to the Faith. This has a beneficial affect on his conscience, because if the new convert can be induced at any subsequent time to renounce The Faith, we can arouse guilt feelings within him for breaking his word. I don't have to point out the opportunities for further bribes which this creates.
b. Most new converts possess very limited intelligence, and it is impossible for them to conceptualize the existence of the Great Spider unless they repeat the idea out loud several times.
c. The Great Spider himself directed that we follow the "two-fold path," and He threatened me with dire consequences if The Movement should ever stray from the Course which He has pointed out.
3. You realize, of course, that Great Spiderism does not exist solely for the purpose of collecting money, but rather seeks to provide a means for suffering humanity to free itself from pain and discover a true life of happiness. Mainly it hurts very much when my bank account is low, and I'm extremely happy when I'm living in the places which please me most – night clubs, bars, and houses of ill repute. You should therefore stress the humanitarian concerns when you are seeking out new individuals to share in the benefits of The Faith.
4. By the way, it is imperative that you forward 50% of any bribe you may collect to the Headquarters of the Movement.
Yours in the Web
Doctor John F Kusske
High Priest/Chief Prophet