Epistles to the Herbangelists:
Sayings of the Chief Prophet, compiled

FP19:6 Mark - As Supreme Lord of the Universe you have some rather stiff competition in The Great Spider and Herbie. However for a nominal fee (payable to his Chief Profit: me) the Great Spider will recognize your claim and will either reward or punish your followers in the afterlife in a method which you suggest. Herbie, by the way, has already paid his bribe to the Great Spider, and so his followers can now operate as if all the ridiculous claims made by Herbie are true. In matters of faith what is important is what the Great Spider allows, and he allows almost anything as long as the right people receive their bribes.

FP22:1-2 Perhaps you don't know why Herbie tolerates Spiderists (it's curious that he hasn't told you), but I know why The Spider puts up with you filthy Herbangelites. For a slight fee The Spider will allow any lesser god, such as Herbie, to operate freely upon the earth. He does this because he is a merciful and generous creature, one who does not really enjoy ripping people limb from limb, crunching their skulls within his massive maw, sucking their blood out of them like ketchup through a straw. No, he would much rather see anybody, even slimy Herbangilorians, enjoy the benefits of salvation. Therefore The Spider has instituted a program that allows any minor deity to function undisturbed upon this planet as long as it pays a bribe to the Spider himself and to his High Priest/Chief Prophet. I am happy, for your sake, to report that Herbie has remitted this tribute to us and that, providing you follow the teachings of your idol, you stand a reasonable chance of avoiding being eaten hereafter.

FP29:1 Matthew - I agree with Herbie concerning the "shallowness" of religions whose deity is "amused" or "not amused" by other religions. The Spider, now, is amused by everything, even himself! When Blue Petal said that he considers Spiderism to be a real religion, he means, I suspect, that he actually believes in it. This is possible because Spiderism does not conflict in any way with other religions. One can be a Spiderist and a Hindu, for example, or a Spiderist and a Jew, or even a Spiderist and a Herbangelist. Additionally, Spiderism possesses a body of dogma, something which few other fannish religions have. What, for example, are the teachings of Herbangelism? I've been trying to find out for a long time, but nobody can tell me.

FP31:2 Denny - Spiderism teaches that all religions are true, and that all Gods exist. But if I weren't a Spiderist, I'd be an agnostic. (If it wasn't for the truths that have been revealed by the Great Spider I would have no way of knowing whether or not divine creatures exist.)

FP31:5 Matthew - Me, the High Priest of Great Spiderism, pay money for information concerning the Herbangelists? I take bribes, sir; I don't give them.

FP31:7 Rebecca - We Spiderists believe that we were put here to amuse the Great Spider and to nourish him with our souls, for instance, and various other religions have various other ways of accounting for human existence. (...) Also Joe asks about the Great Spider Wedding Ceremony. Since I'm not sure whether either Ken or Linda will answer (the latter contemplating gafia, and the former being verbally silent lately), I'll say something. I take the ceremony seriously, because I take marriage seriously. The participants, though, may take it as lightly or as seriously as they want. Knowing Ken and Linda, I'd guess that they take it as seriously as the "official" marriage that they will be having later this summer.

FP33:5 Craig - Kuhfeld discovered that the Spider will create parking spaces, if he is asked nicely enough.

Every member of Spiderism is either a Priest of some sort or a Prophet. As such, they receive messages directly from the Great Spider. It is not a case of them making up dogma out of their own heads, but rather of The Spider inspiring them to realize great truths. We do not create only The Spider does.

FP35:2 Matthew - By eating cars, the Great Spider helps to cut down on air pollution. As a matter of fact, the amount of smog extant in Los Angeles is probably directly the result of that area's loyalty to Herbie. If Herbie were really concerned with the welfare of his followers, he'd start sucking on Automobile Lollipops.

FP35:10 David - In the matter of the True Religion, I will not allow Craig any artistic license. In matters concerning the alleged greatness of Herbie, of course, he is free to draw anything he pleases, but when it comes to actual events, I must insist that he display the strictest accuracy. After all, it is in his earthly manifestations that the Spider displays his godhood, and if Craig is going to purposely misinterpret, he can only be considered a pariah by all decent human beings.